Losing it: similarities and differences in first intercourse experiences of men and women.

ABSTRACT: Sex differences and similarities in first consensual intercourse experience were examined in a sample of Canadian university students and contrasted with the expectations reported by fellow students who had not had intercourse. Among experienced students men and women did not differ on most measures used to assess pre-intercourse discussion, circumstances of first intercourse, and feelings and outcomes thereafter. Although women, unlike men, commonly experienced pain at first intercourse (52%) and infrequently reported orgasm (11%) or physical satisfaction (34%), they did not differ from men in emotional satisfaction or overall rating of the experience. Women and men who had not had intercourse generally had similar expectations concerning topics that would be discussed before first intercourse but differed considerably in their expectation of pain and orgasm. The findings are discussed in relation to their implications for sexuality education and for a broader understanding of some ongoing gender differences in sexuality.

Key words: Gender differences First heterosexual intercourse

INTRODUCTION

Public health professionals and policy makers have attached considerable importance to first intercourse because it is seen as a significant event in sexual development (Carpenter, 2001) and a basis for sexual health concerns such as unintended pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, and sexual coercion. First intercourse also has symbolic meaning. Young people are well aware of the public discourse and societal debate that surrounds this personal experience. In this paper we use the term "first sexual intercourse" rather than "loss of virginity", although we recognize that virginity until marriage, particularly for women, is strongly advocated in some communities and religious traditions and that insistence on "abstinence only" sex education is often associated with such expectations. To the extent that loss of virginity is seen as a permanent change (hymen restoration procedures notwithstanding) and a socially and personally important decision, knowledge of young adult's perceptions of their first intercourse can provide a valuable glimpse into their sexual attitudes and behaviour. It may also shed light on how social constructions of sexuality influence individual expectations and experiences.

Historically, a woman's virginity was crucial to marriage in terms of both honour and value; women who were found not to be virgins on their wedding night (often determined by the presence of blood at first intercourse) were seen as worthless in many cultures. In contrast, "proof" of male virginity is unavailable physically and less important culturally. Such differences in how virginity has been perceived in society have created an environment in which men and women may have different perceptions of first intercourse and its meanings.

Quantitative studies have demonstrated gender differences in both attitudes toward and actual experience of first intercourse. For example, Carpenter (2001) found that women were twice as likely as men to think of their virginity as a gift to a future partner (61% vs. 36%), while men were three times more likely than women to view their virginity as a stigma (57% and vs. 21%). Darling, Davidson and Passarello (1992) found that a greater percentage of men than women perceived their first intercourse to be physiologically satisfying (81% vs. 28%) and psychologically satisfying (67% vs. 28%).

Qualitative studies based on feminist analyses of power differences between men and women have suggested possible explanations for such findings. For example, young adult's accounts of first sexual intercourse reveal that men gain an affirmation of manhood through first intercourse. It is thus primarily a young man's moment that marks his "coming of age" or his entry into manhood (Holland, Ramazanoglu, Sharpe & Thomson, 2000). However, the dependence on women for this validation of men has taken on multiple social meanings, many of which are viewed by feminist thinkers as embedded in a patriarchal culture.

Holland et al. (2000) found that young men's accounts of first intercourse were mostly concerned with their own performance, orgasm, and sense of having reached a landmark. Their partners' pleasure or orgasm was seen as "icing on the cake." The problem with young men having this construction of first intercourse is that it leaves young women to cope with first intercourse experiences that may fail to meet their own expectations to affirm feelings of love and romance (Holland et al., 2000). In this view, sex differences in first intercourse experiences have their basis in different perceptions of its meaning and in constructions of sexuality.

Burr (2001) argues that the contemporary construction of men's sexuality as "active, dynamic, powerful, and potentially uncontrollable" also portrays women's sexuality as essentially passive. In this construction, sex for women is not about active participation but about something that is received (Darling et al., 1992). Women may thus be seen as dependent on men for introducing them to the physical pleasure aspects of sexual activities because conventional femininity demands that a woman appear to be sexually unknowing, to desire not just sex but a relationship, to let sex "happen" without requesting it, to trust, to love, and to make men happy (Holland et al., 2000). Traditional dating scenarios reinforced this perspective in that the woman was expected to wait for the man to ask her out and the man was expected to handle details of cost, transportation, and activity (Allgeier & Royster, 1991).

Social discourses around sexuality, and particularly female sexuality, reflect and influence personal and educational perspectives on first intercourse. Fine (1997) identifies three such discourses. The first discourse, sexuality as violence, instils fear of sex by focusing on abuse, incest, and other negative outcomes of sexual activity. The second discourse, sexuality as victimization, identifies females as subject to the pressuring tendencies of male sexuality and focuses attention on the risk of women "being used" or coerced and thus on ways to avoid the physical, social, and emotional risks of sexual intimacy. Messages related to unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection (STI) may reinforce notions of risk and are used by some to pressure for classroom priority on strategies to avoid sex, "saying no, and "abstinence only" approaches to sexuality education. In this context, Fine's third discourse, sexuality as individual morality, would value women's choice about sexuality as long as the choice is premarital abstinence. Such discourses, Fine suggests, lead to a construction of sexuality where the male is in search of desire and the female is in search of protection. Largely absent from public sexual education is a fourth discourse, sexuality as desire. Fine notes that

 
   The naming of desire, pleasure, or sexual 
   entitlement, particularly for females, barely 
   exists in the formal agenda of public schooling 
   on sexuality ... a genuine discourse of desire 
   would invite adolescents to explore what 
   feels good and bad, desirable and undesirable, 
   grounded in …